What would the world be like if everyone...?
by an anonymous sojourner
 My
life has been very ordinary by all outward appearances.
I grew up in a loving Christian family that provided the
basic physical necessities, good values, and a strong work
ethic. Education after high school prepared me for a good
job in the medical profession. In my late twenties I met
and married a wonderful man. Who could ask for more?
The strong work ethic of my family and my basic personality
led me to be very task-oriented even as a child. Always
a "to do" list; always a weighty need to "get
things done."
After marriage and throughout my thirties I worked ever
harder to "get it all done", trying to balance
and find time for work, family, church and several serious
hobbies. "I should be able to do it all", I kept
telling myself, "I'll just work faster and get more
organized".
As I approached my fortieth birthday I felt like life was
spinning out of control with no hope in sight. There were
feelings of failure and despair because I could not get
organized enough to get everything done. I had a longing
for something I could not name. I felt an inexplicable anger
at everyone and every situation…family, work, people
at work, people in line at the grocery store, our pets.
And a secret turmoil regarding my sexual orientation (which
I had both flogged myself for in guilt and self-loathing,
and covered over with a veneer of being "normal")
felt like an explosion waiting to happen. "If people
knew who I really was they would turn away in disgust,"
I thought.
 I
was almost forty. Life was nearly half over and in all my
spinning and doing, what had I accomplished so far? Who
was I? What really mattered? It was difficult dragging myself
out of bed in the morning and when I came home from work
I often felt so tired I slept for hours.
One day in Sabbath school a woman gave a little talk about
a retreat center she had started called Still Waters. A
quiet place where people could come rest and be still, and
in that way know God. I knew nothing about retreats, but
I was drawn by the idea of rest.
Months went by before I summoned the courage to make an
appointment. And so on the morning of my fortieth birthday
I arrived at Still Waters to spend the day. The door was
open and I walked into the main room of the guesthouse.
The silence was profound and welcoming. After a bit Delcy
came to ask me what I needed that day. I said something
like; "I want to figure out what I need to do with
my life to make it better." She encouraged me to not
try too hard to figure things out, but instead just to be.
After telling me where I could find lunch she left me in
the silence.
I did not know how to just be. The very idea was totally
foreign. I don't remember exactly how I spent that day.
When I left I was still frustrated and angry and longing
for something I could not name. But a tiny bit of silence
had seeped through my skin and I wanted more.
Sometime after that, I met with Delcy for spiritual direction.
I felt an intense desire for someone to hear the cry of
my heart on a deeper level than ordinary superficial conversation
allows. I wanted someone to explain the turmoil I felt.
I had only a vague idea what was involved in spiritual direction,
but I felt desperate and was willing to give it a try.
Much of the first few sessions were spent in long periods
of silence. The frustration, confusion and unknowing inside
of me were so great that it was difficult to find words
to express any of it coherently. But she waited. I sat with
her in silence, beating myself internally for wasting her
time. And she still waited... like I was someone worthwhile.
Her patience and acceptance of myself just as I was at that
time is quite possibly the greatest gift I have ever received.
As I began to find words, she listened without judgment
or condemnation to all my concerns and fears no matter how
ugly or politically or theologically incorrect. Nothing
scared her. She never told me what to do. She suggested
that I listen to God speak to my heart. She encouraged me
to meditate on small portions of scripture and spend time
in silence with an attitude of openness and surrender to
whatever God would offer. And because she seemed to sincerely
believe that I could know God's leading, I began to be open
to the possibility.
At one point Delcy suggested I might benefit more from
counseling by a psychologist. I did that for about ten months
and it was extremely helpful. She has also suggested numerous
books and tapes and most have been very helpful. I appreciate
her knowing that she does not have all the answers.
It has been over twelve years since my first visit to Still
Waters. I continue to come regularly for spiritual direction,
and once or twice a year for retreat time. Having a companion
on my spiritual journey is like a handrail on a bridge,
pointing the way toward God and offering support.
As I think about my journey several things come to my mind.
I realize first that I have a journey. I am on a spiritual
journey and my desire is to draw closer to God and be more
aware of God's presence in my life. This is in contrast
to mindlessly drifting in religious assumptions as I had
done for so many years.
 Second,
my attitude is changing about who God is. I think of God
less as someone who is out to catch me in every mistake
great and small, and more as someone who loves me more than
I can imagine. Someone who has my best interest in mind
and patiently waits for me to slow down enough to hear his
tender words of love and instruction and correction. And
as I am able to slow down and listen, God is beginning to
fill my longing with his Presence.
Third, my prayer life is changing. My prayers are less
about finding the right words/formula to get God to do what
I want, and more about surrendering to whatever God wants.
In this attitude, solutions sometimes come in ways I had
not imagined. And sometimes things change that I was not
aware needed changing. And often nothing happens at all.
I am becoming aware that God is there in the "nothing"
as well.
Fourth, my attitude about myself is changing. I know who
I am a little bit better. I have a sense of my own value,
not because of anything I have done or can do, but simply
because I am a beloved daughter of God. Knowing who I am
as a woman and as a person has clarified my sexual orientation
and strengthened my commitment to my marriage. It has eased
my anger and allows me to be less judgmental with myself
and with others. I don't have to be perfect and get it all
done, and neither does anyone else. It has given me courage
to pursue a new career path, one that feels like a divine
calling.
Life is still full of frustrations. Some days I am only
dimly aware of my spiritual journey. But at my very center
is a bit of peace - something solid that keeps me from flying
apart in the midst of busyness and frustration. God helps
me day by day as I allow, and will no doubt make me aware
of other issues that need to change, as I am able to surrender
more of myself to him. It's all divine gift.
What would the world be like if everyone had a Still Waters?
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