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Follow or Worship?
by Sarah Fusté
 How
many times have I heard Richard Rohr say, "Jesus didn't
say 'worship me,' he said 'follow me!'" His words came
to mind last weekend at church as I stood with the congregation
singing, "I have decided to follow Jesus…no turning
back, no turning back."
Did I realize what I was singing? Did anyone around me?
How can I decide? Can I not turn back? And how could the
melody and the way we were singing it with smiles all over
our faces sound and look so simple, when the commitment
was so painfully transformative? Didn’t Jesus’
journey lead to sacrifice, shouldering of a wicked cross,
rejection, nakedness, and exposure?
I wonder if Jesus’ invitation to follow him doesn’t
invite a penetration into the far reaches of my daily life—beyond
the dressed-up, churchy feelings that arise in a light-filled
sanctuary where the music is good and the promises hopeful,
and into the casual, everyday feelings of work and family
issues and the ridiculous insurance representative who has
no right to increase our policy by 40% simply because of
one doctor’s visit about neck pain last year.
Or take yesterday afternoon, for example. I was angry,
and enjoying the violent accusations that churned within
me and filled my mind with ripe words for a certain dominating
individual in my life. The desire to soak and bathe in my
anger was the strongest part of me.
But along with the anger there was a very faint and gentle
invitation to let it go, to plead for help, to at least
whisper a, “I want to want to want to”. But
I didn’t want healing. There was a sick and
damaging desire within me to wallow in my self-justified
anger. I could not change myself and could not want to.
Yet, in a moment of painfully meager choice, or a grace
that I could barely let in, my heart whispered: My God,
please help! And then a very pitiful repetition of
"All to Jesus, I surrender…" almost
like a child being forced to apologize to his sister. Mouthing
the words, really.
Jesus inviting me to let him into the dark corners of
my life. Of course, first I would have to go there—admit
that I, too, have shadows that I would like to keep hidden,
see the truth that this seeking young work intern at the
Center for Action and Contemplation hoping to someday become
a co-director at Still Waters can be just as evil as the
insensitive, thankless and dominating person that I wish
I would never have to see again. Following Christ involves
taking a good long look at who I am, and then letting him
look at me too: vulnerability, nakedness, exposure.
Letting Jesus gaze upon me with love is something that
I’m beginning to learn, a gift that has been deeply
nurtured by spiritual companionship. Somehow, allowing another
human being to sit with me and look at the reality of my
soul, gently inviting me to see where God is working in
my life, has greatly helped me to know how loved I am. And
as I know more deeply that I am his Beloved, I have the
courage to continue this Christ-following into deeper corners
of my life. Which then brings it around full circle –
my following makes worship possible: "It's who you
are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship
must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth." John
4:23 (MSG).
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