Getting in the way of Discernment
by Delcy Kuhlman
For many years I have secretly longed to be a Wise Old Woman. Just when I have a sense that might be within reach, there comes one of those “Duh!” moments. Only now, I begin to recognize how my compliant nature, my trying to always be good, gets in the way of discernment.
From early childhood I have wanted to be good. It seemed only sensible for, if I was bad, I got in trouble and if I was good enough, those around me would smile. I thought certainly, if I'm VERY good, God will smile on me. I remember a time when I was 30 something, being very angry because my Sabbath School teacher could not give me specific directions for knowing the will of God. My life was troubled and I thought, certainly if I could know God’s will and diligently try to follow it, life would not be so difficult.
Many years later I learned of spiritual direction, found a spiritual director, and eventually entered a training program for spiritual directors. It was there I was first confronted with discernment and learned that, in a spiritual context, discernment was the term used for seeking God’s will. It involved more than making a choice between several options or following a given set of directions. I was called to distinguish between the spirit of truth and the spirit of error. Which was of God and which was not? I was invited to prayerfully pay attention to my own heart, that place the Spirit so intimately speaks to me. I learned that my own likes and dislikes can lend valuable clues for making good choices. Until that time I had, almost totally, focused on direction from some authority outside of myself. My eyes were not open to the fact that I was making decisions based on popular opinion of others rather than listening for the God’s voice.
Being an eager student, I have learned a lot and God has graciously allowed me to walk with others in their times of discernment. I’ve learned to carefully ask questions that might help them come to their own thoughts and choices. I’ve sensed God leading in my life and in the lives of those I companion. Since I am this person who tries so hard to be good, I would certainly not want to be smug, but I’ve become pretty comfortable about the whole subject of discernment in my life. That is until a few months ago.
Spiritual direction has been part of my life for more than twenty years. Many times through the years, I have been lovingly confronted, challenged to rethink some ideas that did not seem to match the way I lived. I’ve had a sense of gratitude for the safe and prayerful setting in which to grow. A few months ago, I heard words that confronted some personal rules I follow. Quickly I thought about Jesus saying to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan.” and wondered if I should be saying the same thing. My first reaction was very much coming from my age old practice of carefully being good for fear of what someone might say. It felt as though the grounding of all my choices was being shaken. It seemed I was being called to allow a change in some very basic attitudes that I carry deep within. I was troubled and the discomfort has kept me in a more prayerful position.
It has been an interesting time since then, sometimes distressing, other times comforting. More words of Jesus have come to mind and it seems that I hear them through different ears. I intend to trust while lifelong ways of thinking try to hold me in their fearful grasp. I’ve wondered what confusion and turmoil must have gone through the mind and heart of the rich young man who came to Jesus pleading for more direction concerning the path to eternal life. How did he struggle with the conflict between his old way of thinking, i.e. gather and accumulate, and the radical idea of selling all he had and giving it away? Did he get a headache as he pondered the call to a whole new way of thinking? Did he argue with himself? Did he run to see his advisor? I wonder if he prayed or how he prayed.
My issues are not identical to his but it is easy for me to project all those possibilities onto him, for each of them has been part of my journey as I’ve struggled with ideas that are foreign to the ways I have always thought. As I ponder and pray, I sense that I’m being called to live into the discernment; not to worry over thinking it all out beforehand. My comfort is shaken as I realize discernment goes even deeper into my heart and soul. I wonder how different life might be if I can follow the Spirit leading deeper into the secret places of my heart. Can I allow myself to follow discernment to a deeper level? I want to. I will try.
|
